Ever since I took the axe to my “what if” column, the world has been filled with hypothetical situations begging to be noticed and written about worse than Mitt Romney on the YouTube videos I was trying to watch a couple of weeks ago. Between the presidential election, the head coaching crises in the Los Angeles Lakers organization, and the re-popularizing of girly boy-bands (I’m talking to you One Direction), the possibilities for stellar “what ifs” just keep rolling in. But I don’t want to concentrate on any of those B-list prospects. Nope, I’ve got something of the utmost importance for my readers . . . Abraham Lincoln!

That’s right, Honest Abe. And in honor of “Lincoln” coming out nation-wide tomorrow (apparently Sioux Center wasn’t a big enough market for “Lincoln’s” limited release), I’ve decided to dedicate this semester’s one and only “what if” to that tall, wonderful man who ended slavery.

As the story goes, Abraham Lincoln was a young man who had a desire to learn, much like approximately 0.5 percent of kids today. However, neither he, nor his family, could afford books. One day, as luck would have it, a man was traveling west and passed by Lincoln’s store. He asked Lincoln if he would buy a barrel of things from him which he had no room for and contained nothing of special value. Being a nicer guy than me, Lincoln obliged the man and bought the barrel. Later, Lincoln emptied the barrel and found, at the bottom, Blackstone’s “Commentaries,” a book of English law. Lincoln absorbed the book like Kim Kardashian absorbs athletes’ money and, as most people know, became a lawyer and eventually President of the United States.

But what if those commentaries hadn’t been in the bottom of the barrel? What if the book Lincoln had found was, say, “Pride and Prejudice”? Was “Pride and Prejudice” even written back then? Yes it was! I know because I did the research. Of course, besides the fact that “Pride and Prejudice” was first published in 1813, when Lincoln was 4, and that Mr. Darcy is a stud, the only thing I really know about “Pride and Prejudice” was that Keira Knightly looked good in it.

So Lincoln reads this literary classic and, among other things, scores some major points with the local ladies for suffering (I mean enjoying) Jane Austen’s inner musings. Lincoln, being the smart guy that he was, takes the information in the book to heart and applies it to his life, becoming quite the ladies’ man. Eventually, Lincoln buys a top hat, a cane, and a wicked awesome cape and becomes the most aristocratic, gentlemanly, and suave man east of the Mississippi; all the woman want him, and all the men want to be him. So Lincoln decides to take his popularity and, being the good guy that he is, do something good with it. He runs for governor, wins, and eventually runs for President, where he wins that too. He then uses his power to do good and free the slaves.

Yes, that’s right! Abraham Lincoln was so awesome that even with a completely different past he would have STILL become President and freed the slaves. Only, because Lincoln would have been so suave and debonair, he would have definitely won over even those who opposed him and thus, never been shot. With the rest of his presidency, Lincoln would have put his brain and mad social skills to good use and figured out how to end war forever.  Thanks a lot John Wilkes Booth . . . jerk.

Alien Underground, Columnist