Water Project genocide: making Dordt purely Dutch

A most recent discovery about the campus-wide water project has caused riots to break out amongst students and faculty alike. It has been revealed that the real purpose of the water project is to discover a way to contaminate the water at Dordt in order to transform any non-Dutch or “half bloods” into full Dutch.

“We want to keep the blood-line pure, and we knew the best way to do that would be to get the truly Dutch students involved,” said director of the water project, Professor Vanvan Voldemort. “

Vanvan Voldemort has divided the water project groups into full Dutch, half Dutch, hardly Dutch, and non-Dutch (mud bloods). He says that by getting all of the full Dutch students into one, secluded group, he can eventually persuade them to believe that Dordt should be purely Dutch.

He knows that this process could take years, but he believes that separating the groups will cause them to eventually turn against each other.

At this point, most full Dutch students are strongly against the water project’s intentions, but several have already made the switch.

“I think this is so inhumane,” said student Elise Van Very Dutch. “Most of my very best friends aren’t Dutch. I hate being forced into this water project group to try to figure out how to contaminate the water. I have to do it, though, or else 20% of my class grade will go down.”

Peter Van Malfoy, however, is fully on board with the water project. “I’ve volunteered extra hours to help out the cause. I think it’s great that Dordt is going back to its original roots. We need a reformation…a Dutch reformation.”

So far, the ideas for contamination developed by the water project have not yet been revealed. There are rumors, however, that a weak coffee is being concocted that will either turn the non-Dutch into Dutch or will get rid of them completely.

“I have heard of no such rumor,” said Vanvan Voldemort. “Though that’s not a bad idea…”

The faculty and staff at Dordt are divided half and half on the issue. All 20 professors involved in the water project, also known as Dutch Eaters, are working around the clock to insure that their students do their best to find a way to contaminate the water.

“Most of my students aren’t motivated to work on the water project,” said Professor Snapestra. “And it doesn’t help that half of them are half bloods or mud bloods who are happy with their historical heritage.”

After all is said and done, the water project hopes to transform Dordt into an all Dutch campus.

Lady Bonbons

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