Dordt isn’t exactly what you might call a “cultural wonderland.” But we do have our fair share of foreign flavor. Between the Korean foreign exchange program, a few pretty sweet South Americans, three or four awesome Africans, and the one Dutch guy that’s left, Dordt at least expands its cultural boundaries beyond those weird Californians that are always walking around. But there seems to be one culture that the Dordt community always forgets; a culture that too often gets overlooked when one talks or writes about Dordt’s cultural richness. A culture steeped in the traditions of Tim Hortons, hockey, and politeness – the Canadians.

Just because Dordt’s Canadian flag is usually missing doesn’t mean that Canada doesn’t boast an impressive number of students on Dordt’s campus. In fact, according to a completely fabricated poll that was completely made up for this article, almost half of Dordt students can trace some part of their ancestral lineage to the Great White North. So what do these students bring to Dordt from their rich cultural history?

Obviously, colloquial interests would have to be different. With so many Canadians making fun of Americans, their interests would have to be much more cultured and refined than our American grubbery and sports-watching. When asked what he enjoys doing, Barry Vander Hoser said, “I love just watching sports, eating food, and hanging out with my friends.” Well, it’s nice that people would be friends with a Canadian, but that seems entirely American. Obviously, Barry was a statistical anomaly. Amy Lou Horton, a much more Canadiany Canadian, said that she particularly enjoys “drinking tea, reading a good book, and doing crazy things with her girlfriends.” Hmmmmmm. Well it seems as if our friends to the north don’t have much varying interests from our own.

But even though Canadian social interests may not vary much from American ones, growing up in Canada-land must have been much different than growing up in America. For one, American’s get to see green at least a few months out of the year. Amy Lou’s brother, Tim, said that, while growing up, he enjoyed “family vacations and playing Little League.” What the heck!? So does every American boy growing up. Amy Lou, on the other hand, found enjoyment in “Girl Scouts, volleyball, and hiking in the wilderness.” Well, apart from the fact that “wilderness” means everything outside of your own house in Canada, that seems very much like what many American girls like growing up as well . . . interesting.

However, if there is one aspect of Canadian culture that has to make Canadians different than Americans, it’s the food. When asked about Canadian food, Barry said, “It kind of sucks. I mean, who really wants to put gravy on french fries? It makes them all soggy and nasty.” When asked her opinion, Amy Lou said, “And Tim Hortons. I mean, it’s better than most American coffee, but I think it’s kind of overrated.”

Turns out that those guys to the north, the ones that make fun of Americans every chance they get, are just like us! With this new information, there is only one thing to do. America needs to take a nice three-day weekend, take over Canada, make it the 51^st state, and rename it North Minnesota. That way, all the Canadians students automatically become American citizens and can vote in the next election. Plus, they get to become part of the American culture they have already obviously assimilated to.

Alien Underground, Staff Writer