Gift to be replaced with giant statue of campus cat

Because of the Gift’s recent promotion to provost at Dordt College, a six-hour long deliberation took place to determine which symbol best representing Dordt’s artistic achievements would replace the beloved Gift.

After several heated debates, punches thrown, and fired faculty members, Robert Taylor independently determined that he would appoint Jake Van Wyk as sculptor-in-residence to construct a nine-foot sculpture of the campus cat.  “No one could agree, so I solved the important dilemma,” Taylor said.  “Everyone seems to feel an equal amount of love and fear for the campus cat, and that same feeling will be a wonderful welcome to our campus’ largest academic building.”

Van Wyk was not surprised to be the chosen sculptor.  “People like my work,” Van Wyk commented, “Why would they not choose me?”  Van Wyk has approximately four months to finish the sculpture, although if its development is anything like that of the Dordt Clocktower, its completion may be several months later than anticipated.

Student opinions on the new statue vary from anger to confusion to excitement.

“This is another one of those unfair Dordt decisions,” Art Van De Vart said.  “Next thing you know, Dordt’s going to be surprisingly introducing another dumb symbol with a cat and a sword shaped like a cross. That will probably be the new ‘Academics’ symbol or something.”

“What does the cat have to do with Calvinism? Did Abraham Kuyper like cats?” Mary Van Haan questioned.

“Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!” exclaimed Sarah Niemandsvriend, “I love cats! I cannot wait to walk past a cat everyday on the way to class!”

Regardless of student and faculty opinion on the new Dordt icon, Taylor has assured Zircon staff that the campus can expect to see the new statue appear on campus sometime after Spring Break.

Spicy Pepper, Staff Writer

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