You’ve seen it on campus. You’ve wondered its origin. You may have even become unintentionally trapped within it if you approached it. What is it? It is—The Hair, and it is growing by the day.

This season has brought in several new instances of The Hair, ranging from all colors and lengths.  Women on campus, primarily freshmen and sophomores, have taken The Hair to new levels, poofing and teasing it to new heights and widths and shapes.

Walking across campus during a busy hour, students may become frightened and concerned about The Hair, but Campus Health Services assures this reporter that it is safe.

“These girls who do the extreme poofing—they don’t mean any harm to anyone.  The Hair may look intimidating, but I assure you, it is safe and approachable,” a nurse said Friday. “Unless you are allergic to hairspray, I assure you, The Hair will not hurt you. “

And hairspray certainly has been an issue lately.  The Sioux Center Walmart has recently seen a giant spike in hairspray sales since freshmen women have arrived in August.  Regional Manager Holly Vandersma spoke of the difficulty of keeping hairspray on the shelf.

“It’s been unreal. Every brand, size, and variety of hairspray have been wiped out,” she said Friday. This reporter noticed that Vandersma’s hair was quite flat the day of the interview. “We’ve hiked the price because of the high demand in an attempt to ward off some of the girls on days we receive our products. We just can’t handle all the traffic we’re getting.”

Several girls deny that their own hair has grown to outlandish proportions, but one freshman girl has come forward to discuss her previous obsession with the hair. She preferred to remain nameless.

“It’s so hard to stop poofing once you start,” the woman confessed tearfully. “The bigger the hair, the more you have people looking at you. You just feel so popular. You just feel so cool. I didn’t realize the harm in teasing it until my hair was falling out and my scalp became really scaly. My doctor had to cut me off of hairspray and teasing combs cold turkey. It was the hardest time of my life.”

Several large-haired women have been holding unofficial contests for hair size.  Oddly enough, it seems that these contests have been occurring everyday.

“It’s kind of like, a, like, uh… year long contest, I guess,” said freshman Sally Van Hurr on Saturday. “I mean, why wouldn’t it be? It’s not like we’d stop poofing if the contest was over.”

If you, your roommate, or someone you know has been struggling with over-poofing, call the “save the locks” hotline at 1-800-HUR-SAFE.

Kitty in the Dumpster, Staff Writer