Alex Updike, Columnist

I want to go out with a bang. Seeing as my last article, at least according to my mom, was not up to my usual standards (thanks for putting all the articles on-line mystery “webmaster”), I feel like this final “what if” needs to be particularly stellar. So I followed the longstanding tradition that has permeated throughout history when it comes to figuring out a great idea – I took it from someone else.

A few weeks ago, I asked my roommates for ideas regarding what my next “what if” should be. Within the 20-minute string of ridiculous suggestions (which included “what if we had hands that grew out of our cheeks?”) stood one that out shown the rest. This suggestion frightened me to no end, but also sparked the tiniest of flames inside my creative mind that has now been fanned to exponential proportions. The question . . . what if Southview 304 did not exist?

For those of you who just passed out due to excessive anxiety, it is ok; it’s only hypothetical. For those of you not panicking, you obviously don’t know the gravity of this hypothetical situation! SV304 is where Nathan Friend (along with me and our other three studly roommates) lives! And now that I have every girl’s attention on campus, I’ll just point out that I’m single too. Anyway, I’ve allowed myself to become sidetracked. Let’s take a long, hard look down the dark alley that is Dordt’s campus without SV304.

First of all, without SV304, the entire building of Southview would make no sense. Room numbers would go 301, 302, 303, and then 305. The amount of questions this raises is astronomical. Does room 305 just take the place of 304? Then how do we handle the fact that odd numbers are now on the wrong side of the hallway? Do we just skip the space where 304 used to be? What do we put there? Or do we just have a ridiculously large amount of wall where the room once stood? Do we have to make all the other floors match? And where is the money coming for all this? This was definitely not in Vision 2020!

Secondly, campus would most assuredly lack awesomeness without the guys of SV304 living together. Without the room existing, we simply do not exist in the same context as we have all semester – and that’s a crying shame. That means no golf-cart joy-rides, no late-night footie-pajama excursions, no old-man pipe-smoking, and no epic dance with 60 people crammed into a cleared out living room. Plus, without SV304 existing, SV303 wouldn’t have a pet mouse to kidnap, thus leaving them cookie-less and depressed. As you can see, SV 304 brings joy to this campus . . . and baked goods to kidnappers. We care about the joy of others — can this campus really afford to lose that?

Finally, where would we all live if our room didn’t exist? Stuff happens in that room, unspeakable occurrences, that nobody else should have to deal with. I mean, I would have no problem finding new living arrangements, but some of the other guys, I don’t know about. Without a place to live, they drop out of school and go back to Canada. But with multiple years of American living, they simply can’t deal with the boredom that comes with being exclusively Canadian. They move back to America, but since they never graduated college, they can’t find jobs and become homeless and lazy. Eventually, they become the only two drifters in Sioux Center. Their stench and the general mean-spiritedness of one of them (who will remain nameless) drives people away from Sioux Center and into other towns. Sioux Center’s economy then collapses and Dordt is forced to shut down due to lack of community support and funds.

So there you have it; without SV304 existing, neither does Dordt. You’re welcome.