Alex Updike, Staff Writer

Cell phones have proven to be one of the most significant and widely used Western-world inventions in the history of mankind. I’m man enough to admit that I used mine to call my mommy, I mean, mother, this very morning. Others of you have probably called your parents within the last couple of days as well. And if you haven’t, shame on you for being horrible children. Still others of you have probably called or texted your significant other today . . . and yesterday . . . and the day before . . . and the day before that. Seriously, they aren’t going anywhere, so put the phone away and stop making the rest of us feel bad. The point is, we probably don’t realize how hooked we are on cellular communication and how much we depend on it on a day-to-day basis. But what if cell phones had never been invented? OMG, like that’s totes not LOL 😦 !!!! Well I’m NOT lol’ing, so give your thumbs some time to relax and read on.

On April 3, 1973, Martin Cooper placed the first ever call on a portable cellular phone. That has nothing to do with my article, but now next time your parents ask you what you’re learning in college, you can recite this bad boy to them. Anyway, so what does the world come to if cell phones were never invented? For starters, my mom can’t interrupt my writing with phone calls about whether I picked up the package from her or not. Seriously, I just got off the phone with her and that’s ALL she wanted. Now, whether or not I would have remembered if she hadn’t called or if I’m actually quite thankful she reminded me is beside the point. The point is, without cell phones, I’m not accessible 24/7; and sometimes that sounds awfully nice.

But then again, who uses a cell phone that often to actually call people? It’s all about texting these days; it’s what all the cool kids are doing. Can we even imagine a world without texting, though? Well, seeing as I’m not an engineering major who stares at numbers all day and still has a chunk of non-analytical brain left, I’d say yes, yes I can. I’ll just tell you right now, without texting, there’s absolutely no economic recession. How’s that, you wonder?

Let’s begin where all good stories do – high school girls. High school girls are the undisputed queens of texting; at least, nobody else in the room I’m in is disputing it. Of course, none of them know I’m writing it either, but I digress. Those young‘uns will stare at a little screen filled with black letters, cheesy emoticons, and constantly evolving acronyms all day. And that “all day” includes school, too. See where I’m going with this? If you don’t PDTPASPA (put down the phone and start paying attention; trust me, it’s going to catch on). If cell phones are never invented, these girls (and guys too I suppose), have to pay attention in class because they have nothing better to do. This sudden spike in attention leads to better grades and a greater appreciation for knowledge. Armed with a new thirst for the unknown, high school grads send in college applications at a record percentage. Greedy schools, eager for money, accept these “fresh, young minds” and begin to mold and shape them into the future bankers, farmers, engineers, teachers, doctors, and lawyers of the world. With a record number of the U.S. population having college degrees and higher education, we see an influx of skilled workers, brilliant minds, and new inventions into the economy. Since I know absolutely nothing about economics, this solves everything.

So, as you can see, I am in fact indirectly blaming girls for one of the worst economic recessions in the history of America. But then again, they’re probably too busy texting somebody to read this anyway, so I’m golden . . . no wonder I’m single.